Emotions or Nuclear Arms?

Curious comparison huh?! Nevertheless, I cannot think of anything else that has been under such strong attempts to control and regulate. Psychiatry, psychology, neuro-psychiatry and neuro-biology are all intent upon investigating the brain to get to the essence of emotions, their role in the life of a person and how best to gain control over it. Then, you have the Buddhist philosophers, Yoga Psychologists, aroma therapists and acupressure experts, herbalists and shamans and a host of other specialists attempting to help people gain mastery over their emotional selves. Even a slight dip into religion and philosophy reveals a tremendous interest in emotions, their utility and meaningfulness in human life, along with intense efforts to gain collective power over individual emotions.


There are a zillion conflicting opinions and methods on how best to regulate your emotions, however the basic precept remains the same. Mastering your emotions is the best way in which to gain mastery over yourself so that there are no unpleasant experiences, failures or mistakes in life. The assumption is that once you gain control, especially over supposedly negative emotions, your life will flow seamlessly from one day to another, from one experience to the next without any heartbreaks or setbacks. Nowhere is this mentioned, but what else can one assume when faced with the almost feverish attempts made by people to understand emotions and figure out better and more precise ways in which to control them?

When, how and why did human emotions take on the dangerous hues of nuclear arms? Why can’t we let it manifest itself in its true form and let ourselves experience it without massive interference? I agree that unbridled expression of every single emotion we feel would lead to tremendous chaos and destruction. In their own way, they are as powerful as nuclear bombs. Heck! Without the power of emotions, nuclear weapons would not be a reality in the first place. Fear and the instinct for survival and supremacy are powerful emotions, so no wonder we have such enormously destructive weapons around us today.

But, if we did not fear fear and other unpleasant emotional experiences like loss, grief, sorrow, anger and saw them for what they are; natural safeguards to maintain mental stability, would we need to resort to extreme measures of external control?

Do we really need to work so hard at regulating our emotions and mastering our minds everyday? What is wrong with experiencing life through genuine emotions, pleasant or unpleasant? Much as we would like to deny the reality of unpleasant emotions and negative experiences, they are here to stay. Otherwise, life would be too bland to live. If I am sad, should I distract myself or medicate/meditate it out of existence, or should I figure out why I am sad and work on changing the circumstances that make me sad? I do not mean to devalue distraction techniques or the benefits of medication and meditation. Both have their own places in a person’s life. However, as in everything else, discernment is required to identify if the source of your problem is disagreeable emotions or if unpleasant circumstances are at the root of your distressful emotions and then act accordingly.

Are mistakes absolute or relative?

        Sometimes, life appears to be a series of mistakes, some more dangerous than others and some funny and amusing. How can one live a life free of mistakes and blunders? That is impossible. Nevertheless, we strive to take the best decisions, find the perfect partner, achieve perfect figures, complexion, and health, build the perfect house with perfect interiors, achieve financial perfection with no debts or bad investments…I can fill an infinite number of pages explaining all aspects of life that we wish to perfect and preserve.

       Why are mistakes, accidents and failures so hard to deal with? Is it merely a blow to our egos or does it threaten the basic instinct for survival that is still so strongly present in us despite the ostensibly civilizing influence of modern human culture, manners and morals?

       Looking back at my life and all the major decisions I took, they appeared right at that moment, I could not have chosen anything else, those decisions led to more decisions and every time, I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew I had given it serious thought and chose brilliantly. Then there came another point in life when it was time to choose again, a rather difficult decision that would influence every aspect of my life. After I made my choice and went through the process of implementing it, there was a drastic change in my circumstances. To say I do not like the change is an understatement. I am aware that there is always a period of settling in when a major change occurs, however, I am unsure if I will even get through this period successfully.

        So now, in hindsight, I question every major decision that I took in the past as those decisions carved the path to my current circumstances. So, this brings me to my next question. Is there such a thing as a perfect decision or judgment? Similarly, are mistakes absolute or relative?

        If something that was truly thought to be a brilliant idea at a certain moment in life turns out to be the starting point for an undesirable culmination, how do you make peace with it? Do you tell yourself that you have been blundering along the paths of life for the longest time possible or do you console yourself with the idea that you could not have foreseen that your decisions would not necessarily take you down the narrow path that you had in mind. On the contrary, every step you take opens up infinite possibilities and every single choice and action, no matter how small determines which of those possibilities is transformed into your reality.

        This brings me back to the question of why mistakes are so hard to accept and why the world in general works hard at avoiding making mistakes and fails dismally at it. Let me try to answer this with an example. If I buy a bottle of cheap wine with no qualms about the money I spend on it and it turns out to be a pathetic choice, I can accept it was a mistake and throw it out after the first sip. On the other hand, if I buy a bottle of expensive wine with money that I can ill afford, simply because I badly wanted a good glass of wine that day and it turns out to be pathetic, will I be able to throw it out nonchalantly after the first sip? I highly doubt it!

         The bigger the impact of a decision on my life, the harder it will be to accept that it was a mistake. In addition, a mistake is relative to time, place and circumstances. The only way to find out if something we set out to do is a mistake or not is by first doing it. There is no substitute for experience; even education is only a poor approximation of experience. So the world can try all it likes to prevent mistakes from occurring but it is hopeless unless there is a total sublimation of ego and willingness to accept other experiences as valid and learn constantly from them. Even were this achieved, it is still not a fool proof solution as the human mind is too unique to classify and categorize its experiences and live accordingly.

         When this is the case, why do we even try to look for foolproof solutions and obsess over making the right decisions? Why, when we realize we have made a mistake do we struggle so hard to accept it? In fact the sooner we see the mistake for what it is, relative to its tangential aspects, the better off we will be. Do we really need to waste time justifying our decisions, look to salvage something from the situation or berate others and ourselves for making a mistake?

         Would not life be far less stressful if we looked upon decision making not as a “mistake proof for life requirement” but as something relevant to where we stand today? In the same way, when something turns out to be a mistake, can we simply pick up our lessons and move on without giving ourselves grief about it?

(I am talking about personal decisions and mistakes and not political or industrial ruthlessness and similar other cases that show a reckless disregard for human/environmental safety and wellbeing)

Is change really difficult? May 31st 2010

I dream of driving an SUV across the great Rann of Kutch and hobnobbing with lions at Gir (By hobnob, I mean watch them from a safe distance of course, I have no desire to be eaten up by them!). I would love to contemplate life on the banks of River Sabarmati in Gandhi Ashram and drink toddy on the Mumbai-Surat highway.

Ahmedabad, India, where I recently moved to is a city with lots to explore and of course, to buy as it is a haven for shopoholics. I have an empty new apartment to fill up and turn into a home…the list of activities I wish to indulge in is endless.

However, the reality is searing heat and glaring sunlight that blinds you with a vengeance if you step out without proper protection. This part of the country is in the grip of an intense heat wave, the worst in the last decade. I landed bang in the middle of this after just getting through one of the coldest winters in Cleveland, Ohio. My body does not know what hit it and is struggling to cope with the sudden change, which brings me to my pet topic today, CHANGE.

We love to talk about the difficulties of coping with change. Some people are more prone to struggle with it and others seem to quickly take it in their stride and move on. My life just underwent a drastic change and I am still in the process of coming to terms with it. I spent the last five years in cool, cold Cleveland working in the mental health field and my life was meticulously structured and organized. There was a time and place for everything and there were no surprises except in my workplace, which was to be expected because of the field I was in but it was restricted to work hours.

Then…I landed in large, chaotic, colorful India, I landed in a part of the country that feels foreign to me, an Indian, as it is hugely different from where I grew up before leaving the country. As I struggle and introspect over my struggles, it is beginning to dawn on me that I am not resistant to change but in fact extremely susceptible to it. So much so that, I have totally lost focus on my priorities in the excitement of being acquainted with a different place and culture.

My mind is reaching out in all directions trying to experience as much as it can in a matter of moments regardless of its necessity or viability. Excited by all the novelty around, I wish to savor a thousand things in a single day and then, when I come home, I want the apartment to be as well organized and serene as my place back in Cleveland.
I also expect to have the same energy that I had in a cooler climate and I am impatient about having to rest in the afternoons when the sun is at its hottest. I want the kitchen to run smoothly, although we still have not set it up. All I have is a three-legged electric hot plate, a small fridge and a few pots and pans that makes for extremely cumbersome cooking. We have a housemaid as a housemaid is de-rigueur here due to the nature of things but I am impatient about having to supervise her as otherwise she is likely to shirk her chores. Some days, I wish I could go back to my old lifestyle, where I managed everything at my own pace and was happy with it.

My husband travels a lot on business and I want to travel with him. I have always wanted to write and thought this would be a good time to do it, as I am jobless with no immediate intention of finding one. However, days go by before I can compose myself enough to sit down and write something. I have also signed up for a freelancing job online and have to start training for it.

The reality is that it has only been two weeks since I moved here and I was jet lagged for the entire first week. Although, a minute could change a life, how often does a minute, a day or a week actually change someone’s life? I am extremely frustrated and guess what gets the blame? Change of course is the biggest culprit, and then there is the burning heat and having to adjust to a different life style.

I am doing a shoddy job of prioritizing…blame the change!

I am not doing enough to take care of myself in this scorching heat and have not been able to figure out how to accomplish tasks despite it…blame the country!

Remember this is India we are talking about, a country and culture so large, loud and overwhelming that our inability to cope with it can easily be reframed into hating the reality of life here.

I am probably the biggest culprit when it comes to externalizing my issues instead of looking within for the source of the problem. Nevertheless, I am trying harder this time and let us see how things turn out. A good place to begin is to forget the desert, the lions, the ashram, the toddy and the shopping and work on getting myself grounded in this culture and climate!